Messing up the reference points in Life and questioning Happiness

In a game, the top three players are given Gold, Silver and Bronze medals. Among these three players, how would you rate the happiness level and satisfaction of these players. Who would be the most happy and who the least one? Of course, the normal observation would be the first, Gold Medal winner would be most happy followed by the Silver and Bronze medal winner. That's perfectly relevant with what our intuition says. But that's not what the research signifies. Many research suggests that the most unhappy face in those three is the middle one, the silver medal winner. And that is something counter intuitive and interesting phenomenon observed in human behavioral domain.

The misery and unhappiness inflicted in the Silver medal winner is due to the setting of alternative reality that he has set out in his mind, that hurts him the most than the two others. The Gold medal winner is happy, of course, he has every possible reason to be happy. But of silver and bronze medal, the Bronze winner is more happy. Its because of the reference point or alternative reality processed in the mind. The bronze medal winner analyses as: The Gold medal winner is two step before him and one step down from his current position, would leave him off the medal list. He is grateful to his position for remaining in the medal list, he analyses one step down (a reference point) where he would have been without medal and rejoices for his current position. But things get a bit different for the Silver medal winner. His reference point or alternative reality is the Gold Medal winning position. He despises the current position he is in, though, in fact, he has been able to overcome all opponents except one in the whole competition. He fails to realize his accomplishments and get buried in deep shades of misery and unhappiness, all due to the reference point he has set up, the Gold Medal.

Often, the reference point we choose depends upon the people around us. Suppose the company you are working on gives you two alternatives. The first one is that it will be providing Rs. 25,000 for all other employees and Rs. 50,000 for you. The second option is that you will be provided Rs.1,00,000 and all other employees would be provided Rs. 2,00,000. In the first case, you are earning a half money than the second case but earning more than your counterparts. In second case, though you are earning double the first case, but your counterparts are earning more than you. Which would you choose? That's your decision to make. But the experiment conducted showed that half of people prefers the first option though they are losing the money worth double. Basically, half of we are losing double money just to do better than other people. The other example is the question: Do you want to be super smart or just smart than your peers? For most, the smart than your peers would do the work. We ought to be dumber and uglier as long as we are superior around others.

Alternative reality hurts and even manipulates us. The reference points we choose changes observing others. The closest neighbor of yours recently bought a car and seems very happy. His family was same as yours but now you see a car, you begin to notice the differences in them( even though no differences have occurred). Then the probability of buying car (mostly) increases in you too. Even if you don't need a car, you are driven to get a car. The alternative reality or the reference points got shifted and those  basically manipulated you to buy the car despite of no necessity. Manipulation is one consequence of this phenomenon.

Humans suck at picking reference points. We pick up the harshest reference points and assume our position worst of all. Let us consider our social lives. If we want to compare our social lives, Is you the better or the other person? The answer is always the other person. We compare it with the best one in the business. One who attends more parties, has more friends, has wide social network. Even if we had a good or average social life, we pick the best one and despise ourselves. We consider its the other one who are having all the fun. We never consider we too are having a good social life. Thinking of the best, we think we are left behind and that's where unhappiness strikes up. We all get our reference points messed up. We don't pick arbitrary reference points, we often pick up the most extreme reference points. There is a reference point bias in us. We choose the very, very best and its problematic. The extreme alternatives are even more prone today with the social medias and internet things. The perfection is painted and we feel envious to that perfection of others, declining our position, importance and most importantly, happiness and satisfaction.

But, comparing is not always a bad thing. It is a two way out. The negative part of it is that it makes us feel bad. But the positive part is that it makes us productive too. Shall will be thriving without the comparison? If we were satisfied all the time, we would not have the instinct to drive. Of course, there should be a reference point in our life. But the most important thing is to strike a balance between satisfaction and productivity. Striking such balance though is never an easy task. We got to be someone who never stops driving but still do not fall into the sad silver medal trap.

The sad silver medal trap can be overcome with the good positioning of our reference points. The silver medal winner should at first realize realize its worth. It has stood among the top two in the whole competition and it is a remarkable accomplishment. The positive outlook and happiness at winning silver medal can be a good way to start. Also the trap can be mitigated with the negative visualization technique. What if the good things never happened? What if I came 10th? What if I didn't win any medal? What if I never got to participate in the competition? These realizations can place a value on the current position and keep motivated. No matter how good we are, there is someone always better than us in some ways and we can always be replaced. This mindset is necessary and the enviousness should be put out. We should not put our self with anybody. We should put it with oneself. Supporting other gracefully and realizing not everyone is competitor and is for competing can make us feel good and less envious too. Not comparing our-self with others but focusing on oneself and as  long as we are driven by our internal motivation, that is the most pleasurable position we can be in. The other most important thing to do is to relish every moment through the journey not only the results. It is the part of journey that is important than the results as the aphorism goes " Life is a Journey, Not a Destination".

There should always be a pursuit of happiness keeping in mind the reality of the world. Thinking should be in positive, not in negative reference points. The blessings gone underway should be counted. The most happy people in the world have a talent for framing things that sustain happiness at all moments in their life. They re-frame the points that will keep them happy. But,  we all know, majority of us suck at picking up reference points. The unadjusted reference points are costly. One study has suggested that the Silver medal winners in the past Olympics are likely to die younger than who won Gold or Bronze. So it is necessary to avoid bad reference points. There is always a reference point that suits for our happiness.  Sometimes we need not look for Silver lining but for Bronze lining. Our mind can simulate any reference point with a little effort. In the end of every story, it is the happiness that matters the most and that happiness is not out there but within us.

-Author Tim

Comments and suggestions are highly welcomed

.